This just in....World's Oldest Woman Found!

Mrs. Hortense Whickynap, age 299 was recently found in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. As she hit reporters with her cane she said "get off of my lawn, you didn't find me-I didn't go anywhere and where are those damn children of mine?! They never call, they never write! Come to think of it, I haven't seen Arthur, my husband, since he went out for eggnog last Christmas. Lousy no accountin', no good philanderin', carpet baggin' wretch! Fetch me a cigar and a toddy pronto, Gramma is thirsty!"