Torment Infested Waters
The "Black Mood #98" crept in earlier tonight and I'm trying to get it gone. Still lurking in my mind is the subject of how I'm going to salvage what's left of my life, as well as make music a part of it. I don't recommend brooding on the "Big Picture" as much as I do, frankly it's counterproductive...but it's what I do on occasion. You see in my early 20's, I was the guitarist who was always practicing and not out partying like everyone else. Oh sure, I partied, but my eye was on the world and what I could do in it. I was going to "be somebody"-ha ha! When you drop out of college to pursue a career in music, you'd better be good at it or why bother, you know? So being the rugged individualist, I set out to see what I could do with music. In retrospect, it's been like a working vacation. I've been all over the west. Never quite made it east for some reason...Jim Morrison once sang "The west is the best"...As my bio says, yes I'm a starry eyed dreamer but pragmatism is a very strong undercurrent running through me as well. So I was over the mindless, unfocused and hazy jamming a long time ago. And no, I don't want to play at drunken jam sessions doing bad versions of good songs...That isn't to say I would love to put together a really good jam oriented band sometime...a focused one, that is. I know it seems like an oxymoron, but bands that jam and play very tightly arranged material as well are ones that are magical. I've liked what I've heard Phish do, the Dead when they were on, the Allman Bros, Hendrix, Santana, the Spin Doctors, even Earth, Wind and Fire...and so many others.
So these days I'm in a quandary. I can't just up and quit my cooking job-it pays very well and I have my son's child support to continue paying. I'd love to just hit the road and not look back. However, the road is where financial reponsibilities tend to fall by the wayside. And the last time I looked, there is nothing guaranteed in music. I did play a couple housegigs up here for a total of 6 1/2 years for security purposes, rather than dealing with the "Happiness is a Warm Gun" scenes with flakes. It was a trade-off, the musicians I played with weren't always ones I would've chosen to gig with, had I had any choice. Probably vice versa on their part, ha ha! I had a counselor suggest to me in my first attempt at sobriety that I should go to some senior's homes and play for them to "give something back." What would I play, acoustic versions of "Jumpin Jack Flash"? I really didn't know how to respond, was I travelling around the state and playing all sorts of music that I "loved"? That's the dilemma, if you're going to play in clubs, unless they're original ones, you have to play what the audiences want to hear...bottom line. No ifs, ands, or buts. (unless you've played the same circuit for awhile and have a following) I also had this rather abrasive counselor at the treatment center who treated me like I had never played a note in public before. Inotherwards, any concerns I had about my music she would ignore. Ah yes, live in the "real world"...(Speaking of which, I love those lyrics in John Mayer's song "No Such Thing";
"Welcome to the real world," she said to me
condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
She was an "artist" and I can't say I've seen any of her work anywhere...that'll be my one sarcastic, backbiting comment for the year-not my style. The problem I wrestle with is the old torment is back, I'm just not a happy camper sequestered in the kitchen continually. I did try to completely quit music a few years ago. Let the whole thing rest. It would be quite a bit easier. But my guitars kept waiting...they have this way of hanging around and making their presence known. I did always keep at least one out on a stand. This recent debacle with my car is a set back I didn't need. But there is a certain level of melancholy that I've basically decided is always going to be a part of my life. I'm going to have to deal with it. This has been going on since my teens, popping Prozac isn't the answer. I just didn't have any concept of all of the damage that my drinking did to my life when I first got sober. Every year there seems to be something else that is revealed. These are aspects of my life that perhaps I'll never be able to get back. The jury is out.
There is a "young gun" guitar player here in town who I'll call "Johnny Gibson". I've seen him on the TV ads for the local blues club. He plays a couple of blues licks, ain't no thing... He's got the long muttonchop sideburn thing happenin', the Elvis 50's look. He's handsome, I'm sure the ladies love him. I've never actually seen this guy live, the feeling is, is he actually going to be any better than the players I've already seen? Or me, for that matter? The thing that absolutely kills me is that I'm the caliber player that should be playing all over with a kickass band, but I've got circumstances...and I'm in my 40's. Making it big is a dream that was over a decade ago, easy. (yes, I DO live in the real world!) I also have chosen not to hang out with any of my old drinking buddies so all of those contacts are out. I really don't want to start from scratch again either...see the irony here? oh yeah...Another reality based situation is 15 clubs that used to have live music have either closed or gone Karoake. The age of the full band up here basically ended in the mid 90's. It was simply impossible to make a liveable wage as a 4 or 5 piece. I played in a couple of 3 pieces, then a series of duos to make the decent wages. It's amazing, in all the years I've been playing up here, the money musicians make is still the same-meanwhile, everywhere else they've increased 20 to 30%! Does that make all of you want to start gigging? I thought so! So all I really have been thinking about is a duo, besides a full band is like a marriage to 3 or 4 other people. When it's bad, it's BAD!!!! When it's working, it's magic...sigh!
So, I wrestle with all of this quite a bit, but I have faith that there very well could be something either on or beyond the horizon. To better days----and hand me those binoculars please!
-Derek O
So these days I'm in a quandary. I can't just up and quit my cooking job-it pays very well and I have my son's child support to continue paying. I'd love to just hit the road and not look back. However, the road is where financial reponsibilities tend to fall by the wayside. And the last time I looked, there is nothing guaranteed in music. I did play a couple housegigs up here for a total of 6 1/2 years for security purposes, rather than dealing with the "Happiness is a Warm Gun" scenes with flakes. It was a trade-off, the musicians I played with weren't always ones I would've chosen to gig with, had I had any choice. Probably vice versa on their part, ha ha! I had a counselor suggest to me in my first attempt at sobriety that I should go to some senior's homes and play for them to "give something back." What would I play, acoustic versions of "Jumpin Jack Flash"? I really didn't know how to respond, was I travelling around the state and playing all sorts of music that I "loved"? That's the dilemma, if you're going to play in clubs, unless they're original ones, you have to play what the audiences want to hear...bottom line. No ifs, ands, or buts. (unless you've played the same circuit for awhile and have a following) I also had this rather abrasive counselor at the treatment center who treated me like I had never played a note in public before. Inotherwards, any concerns I had about my music she would ignore. Ah yes, live in the "real world"...(Speaking of which, I love those lyrics in John Mayer's song "No Such Thing";
"Welcome to the real world," she said to me
condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white
She was an "artist" and I can't say I've seen any of her work anywhere...that'll be my one sarcastic, backbiting comment for the year-not my style. The problem I wrestle with is the old torment is back, I'm just not a happy camper sequestered in the kitchen continually. I did try to completely quit music a few years ago. Let the whole thing rest. It would be quite a bit easier. But my guitars kept waiting...they have this way of hanging around and making their presence known. I did always keep at least one out on a stand. This recent debacle with my car is a set back I didn't need. But there is a certain level of melancholy that I've basically decided is always going to be a part of my life. I'm going to have to deal with it. This has been going on since my teens, popping Prozac isn't the answer. I just didn't have any concept of all of the damage that my drinking did to my life when I first got sober. Every year there seems to be something else that is revealed. These are aspects of my life that perhaps I'll never be able to get back. The jury is out.
There is a "young gun" guitar player here in town who I'll call "Johnny Gibson". I've seen him on the TV ads for the local blues club. He plays a couple of blues licks, ain't no thing... He's got the long muttonchop sideburn thing happenin', the Elvis 50's look. He's handsome, I'm sure the ladies love him. I've never actually seen this guy live, the feeling is, is he actually going to be any better than the players I've already seen? Or me, for that matter? The thing that absolutely kills me is that I'm the caliber player that should be playing all over with a kickass band, but I've got circumstances...and I'm in my 40's. Making it big is a dream that was over a decade ago, easy. (yes, I DO live in the real world!) I also have chosen not to hang out with any of my old drinking buddies so all of those contacts are out. I really don't want to start from scratch again either...see the irony here? oh yeah...Another reality based situation is 15 clubs that used to have live music have either closed or gone Karoake. The age of the full band up here basically ended in the mid 90's. It was simply impossible to make a liveable wage as a 4 or 5 piece. I played in a couple of 3 pieces, then a series of duos to make the decent wages. It's amazing, in all the years I've been playing up here, the money musicians make is still the same-meanwhile, everywhere else they've increased 20 to 30%! Does that make all of you want to start gigging? I thought so! So all I really have been thinking about is a duo, besides a full band is like a marriage to 3 or 4 other people. When it's bad, it's BAD!!!! When it's working, it's magic...sigh!
So, I wrestle with all of this quite a bit, but I have faith that there very well could be something either on or beyond the horizon. To better days----and hand me those binoculars please!
-Derek O
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